June 14, 2009

Life, so far

Wow, it’s been a long time since my last post. It’s a lame excuse, but I’ve been busy. Let’s just recap all the things that have happened in the past six months (not necessarily in chronological order).

I graduated from college. Goodbye, Sheffield U! It was sad to say goodbye to the place, but damn, I’d been there for a long time.
I quit my job at the credit union.
My mom was declared in remission, so no more chemo and radiation for her.
I got the job in New York.
I moved to New York.
Heather and I broke up.

Let’s just say the past half-year has been a rollercoaster. Apparently that’s what your mid-twenties are all about; at least that’s what “they” say. Apparently it’s totally normal to take a job so you can be close to your girlfriend and move to a huge new city and not have any money and subsist on ramen noodles and Keystone Light and then have your girlfriend break up with you to be with some douchnozzle named Vaughn (speculating). It’s all part of the process.

For the record, I did not move to New York solely for the purpose of being near Heather or to “suffocate her”. I would be lying if I said she wasn’t a factor in the decision, but the truth is, I love New York and I had a fantastic job opportunity that I would have been crazy to pass up. Like seriously insane. And the job has turned out really well and I love working there, and in spite of all the shit that has gone down in the time that I’ve been here I still really love New York. I am not going to be driven out by bad memories.

Heather and I are still “friendly”, but we’re not friends. It’s difficult to be friends with the girl who broke your heart and to put it simply that’s exactly what she did. Things really started going downhill after our anniversary, and by the time graduation rolled around, the situation was pretty bad. And yes, I selfishly believed that moving to New York and actually being near each other again would help the situation. It didn’t, and that’s where all the crap about me suffocating her comes in, and next thing you know we’re breaking up in my apartment the week before Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t a knock down drag out fight; it was one of those excruciating adult conversations where you finally accept what’s happening and execute the only possible solution. We’ve talked since then, and I’m not just talking about the tearful phone calls in the first couple weeks begging her to give us another chance. We’ve seen each other a couple times, we met for coffee once, and went out for pizza another time. But we don’t talk on a regular basis and we certainly don’t “hang out.” She’s in my life, but on the perimeter. And that’s where she’ll have to stay for now while I get my shit together and try to move on.

October 27, 2008

Happy anniversary?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

I made it to New York without incident, made it to Heather’s without incident, and was waiting for her when she got home at 5 p.m. She seemed really excited to see me, and she was definitely surprised – she had mentioned that her roommate had been acting really nosy, and of course I couldn’t tell her that I was the reason why. There will be a lot less tension in that apartment now.

She seemed extra surprised that I had brought her flowers, and then when I started pulling gifts out of my backpack for her to open she was really confused and kept asking what they were for. I thought she was joking, but I finally realized that she had forgotten our anniversary.

I hadn’t been able to talk to her on the actual day – she had called while I was at work in the afternoon, and when I called her back later that night and couldn’t get ahold of her I didn’t want to leave her a “happy anniversary” voicemail. I wanted to tell her myself, and when she didn’t call back that night I decided I would wait until the next day to do it in person.

She felt really bad, and apologized about a million times, and I know she’s been busy lately, but I really couldn’t help but feel slighted. I know things are changing, and that we’re going to have to adapt, but the fact that I went through all this effort to celebrate our anniversary when she couldn’t even be bothered to remember it bothered me a lot more than I cared to admit to her. Is that selfish of me?

The rest of the weekend went well. While she was in class and giving voice lessons on Friday I wandered around the city, and walked past the radio station I’m interviewing with next week. I haven’t told Heather about the interview yet, and I don’t think I’m going to until after I’ve heard something back from them. It doesn’t seem worth bothering her over something like that just yet.

We went to see Avenue Q Saturday night. It was really hilarious, and we kept singing the songs to each other the rest of the weekend. We went out for drinks with some of her friends Saturday night, including Vaughn, the guy she’s been spending so much time with. He seems pretty cool, I just hope he doesn’t think I’m a douchebag.

I had to be at the airport late yesterday morning for my 1 p.m. flight, so we grabbed breakfast before I left. We had some time to talk over the weekend and got some things worked out, but I don’t really know if it’s actually going to be better or if it just seemed like it because we were actually together at the time. We promised to make an effort to talk to each other every day, so I guess that’s something. I’m not trying to pretend like I know what’s going on with her right now, but I think I made it very clear that I want to make things work between us. I can only hope she feels the same way.

The flight back was uneventful, save for the million thoughts spinning around in my head. Maybe I’m overreacting about her forgetting our anniversary, but it’s still really bothering me. I’ll get over it, I’m sure, and I think if things start improving between us that will help speed up the process. Plus, I have a lot going on this week, including the phone interview with the New York station at 9 a.m. on Wednesday, so that will help keep my mind off things. I hope.

October 22, 2008

Things could always be worse

Man, this week is kicking my ass. Between having to be at work at 5:30 a.m., actually attending classes, working afternoons at the credit union and then trying to study at night, I am beat.

Of course I let Brett talk me into going to the bars last night – some girl he knows was turning 21 and I got roped into celebrating with the bar sluts. I didn’t drink that much because I had to drive home, but I didn’t get home until 2 a.m., something this old body isn’t that used to anymore. Usually at 2 a.m. I’ve been sleeping for three hours. I am definitely paying for it today.

Being so busy means I have had almost zero time to talk to Heather. Our schedules do not seem to be coinciding this week and it seems like we’re living out in real life what Jim and Pam were dealing with on last week’s episode of The Office. She called last night about 9:30, when I was at the bar, and I went outside and talked to her for a few minutes but then she had to go do something, and by the time I got home it was too late to call her back.

Things will get better, I know, it’s just difficult right now.

On a lighter note, I saw some drunk ass girls last night. I saw two girls puke in the bar. I’m glad I’m not them today.

October 20, 2008

Heather in the City

Well things have finally slowed down a little here, I think I'm finally finding my "groove." Not that I'm learning my way around the city at all, that's going to take years, if I make it that long. But I'm able to get to and from class without a problem, and can usually find my way to a deli or coffee shop without a problem. Yes, I still go to coffee shops, even if I spent nearly every day of the last few years in one. You know, it's almost comforting. And a welcome escape from studying, and the dorm life.

Speaking of dorm life, my roommate Alison has really been getting on my nerves lately. She was fine at first, but in the past week, she's been really nosy, asking what my plans are all the time, and where I'm going when I'm heading out. I don't know if she's looking for an invitation or what, but it's frustrating, I feel like I have to sneak around at times. I'm not opposed to hanging out with her, but I just need some Heather time. We sleep in the same room, we don't have to eat together or study together all the time. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, though, I've made some plans with some of my new girlfriends, and I've been able to keep it a secret from Alison! We aren't going to go wild and crazy, just exploring the town, some shopping, and maybe going to a show. Oh, and a trip to Nathan's Famous. I went to one on a trip to St. Louis, but come on, I'm in New York, I think I have to have the original!

Well, it's time for bed. If I'm going to have fun this weekend, I'm going to have to bust my hump during the week, so I can have some free time. On top of everything, I may start giving some vocal lessons this week, if I can find the patience to deal with kids. The ones that are good I won't have a problem with, it's the ones that don't have the natural talent that I'm afraid will drive me up the wall. But hey, money is money, I'm not going to ruin anyone's dream.

In motion

Plane ticket? Check. I arrive at LaGuardia at 2:33 p.m. EDT on Thursday, October 23rd. I will then hop in the Super Shuttle, which will take me to Heather’s. Perhaps it’s not the least expensive option, but it’s definitely cheaper than a cab, and easier than trying to navigate the subway or bus lines.

Awesome anniversary gift? Check. I made Heather a DVD of pictures from the past year of our relationship, set to “our song,” “The Reasons” by the Weakerthans. But that’s not all – I got her a Sheffield U. hoodie, because she was complaining a couple weeks ago that it’s perfect hoodie weather but her favorite Sheffield one is falling apart, and a book of crossword puzzles for her to fill out while she does her laundry. I also got tickets for us to see Avenue Q on Saturday – she loves musicals and I decided I could tolerate this one because it’s funny and vulgar, and I like funny and vulgar.

Flowers? Check…almost. There’s a flower shop just a couple blocks from Heather’s, and since I packed light (I’m only going to be gone for the weekend, her gifts are small and there’s also a baggage fee on nearly every airline, so I'm carrying on) I don’t mind hoofing it over there to pick her up a dozen red roses.

I think I’m pretty damn romantic, really. Heather and I have been so out of sync lately that I think we really need a weekend to reconnect, and I am really excited to surprise her for our anniversary, even if it is a day late.

And I have another surprise for her – there’s a radio station in New York that’s interested in interviewing me! I’m doing a telephone interview next Wednesday morning for a production position. I’m pumped about it. I never really dreamed of a career in radio, but the more time I’ve spent in the field the more I’ve become interested in it, and I actually feel qualified to be an actual producer, which is weird since I’ve never in my entire life really felt qualified to do anything. I didn’t think I would ever be the one to look forward to entering the “real world” and yet, here I am. It’s funny how things work out.

October 10, 2008

It's just been that kind of week

Well, this has been a kind of uneventful, and incredibly frustrating, week for me. I’m on thin ice with the credit union – my drawer was $85 short on Monday. It’s the first time I’ve ever been off in the time I’ve worked there, which I think is pretty impressive, especially since it seems like a couple of the other tellers are off a couple times per week. Then I had one of the production assistants on the morning show I’m producing walk out on me on Tuesday – a really classy move on his part. So I’ve spent the rest of the week scrambling to get things done. It helps the mornings go by fast, but it’s stressful.

I also had midterms this week, so when I wasn’t working or taking tests, I was holed up in my regular spot at Brews Brothers studying. Devon and Derek both have girlfriends now who spend the majority of their time at our house, and while they’re both very sweet (and, I’m not going to lie, pretty attractive) it’s impossible to concentrate on anything with four people clamoring around the house. It’s not dead silent at Brews Brothers by any means, but I can focus there.

This left very little time to talk to Heather this week, but what little I did talk to her, she seemed tense and things were incredibly strained between us. She’s getting out and meeting people, and that’s good. She’s been spending a lot of time with this guy Vaughn. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with her having guy friends – it’s not like I don’t have plenty of friends who are girls. I just hate that other people get to spend time with her and I don’t.

I’ve hatched a plan, though – a surprise visit next weekend. I conned her roommate into making sure Heather doesn’t make any plans so she’ll be around when I get in on Thursday night. Hopefully this little random act of romance will give our relationship the kick in the ass it needs.

October 08, 2008

An East Coast Girl

I got into Juilliard! With a scholarship and everything! Things have been soooo busy all summer long, into the fall, I feel like things haven't sunk in, hasn't hit me, even a month into my first semester. I mean, I've been in New York for a couple months, but it doesn't feel like home yet, I still feel like I'm going to be going back to Sheffield in a few days. I'm not. Well, eventually I will be, you know, to visit friends, family, Chad. He's been great through all of this, even helping me move and visiting once, but both of us are a little overwhelmed with things right now - he's taking a ton of classes to finish up his degree and helping his mom out when he can, and I'm always studying, practicing, or trying to get my bearings.

I've made a few friends out here, there are definitely some cool people, but then there are also the stereotypical "music people." Everyone's been in the same boat lately, so we've been all hanging out together, but I can definitely notice some cliques forming. I'm not quite sure I fit into one yet, but there are a few people that I've hung out with one more than one occasion. And one of them is a guy, which is driving Chad up the wall with jealousy, but what am I supposed to do? I had guy friends back home, I've had guy friends all my life. I know we're a thousand miles apart right now, so it's a big adjustment all around, but still, I'm not going to sit in my dorm by myself all the time. I think he realizes that there's no threat to him, he just is jealous that other people are able to hang out with me when he isn't. And I understand. It's been a trying time, but we both think it's worth it.

I just have to figure out when I can make a trip home. I'll be back for Thanksgiving, but I think a lot of that time will be spent with family, which is frustrating. Same with Christmas. And my weekends are completely booked well into next semester. It's been a point of contention, but there's nothing I can do about it. Plus, my scholarship covers room and board, but not much else. I didn't save as much as I should have, so I'm trying to cut costs where I can, until I find a job with extremely flexible hours to have some sort of income. I know I'm in the city that never sleeps, but this girl definitely get cranky without it.